Sometimes

you believe in something even though everyone around you can see that it's futile. Sometimes you have faith because the world survives on hope right? Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you don't know and sometimes you do but you live in denial. They say, never regret anything that made you smile or cry over something that's over - just smile that it happened. I've repeated that over and over to myself like a chant and still can't see sense in it. For a while I become the serene version of myself, smiling like a lunatic about everything and being grateful for life and the sun and stars but when the lights go off, and I feel that my double self can't see me - I break down. It's always a boy that brings girls such miseries. I've seen people upset about losing jobs, being broke, unwell etc. but never in a pathetic state like when they've lost a loved one, and mostly a guy/girl they loved.

I've known him for over a year and we only met once in a while but every time there was something between us which clearly indicated that we weren't just friends. Finally, I decided to point to the elephant in the room and ask the question - where are we headed. And he tells me he needs time. Months go by, I ask him again. He said he's leaving the country in 6 months and there's no future to this, so he isn't sure what we should do. I'm heartbroken and I come home and cry. I thought that a few days of crying and mourning is all it will take and I will be fine before I know it. Turns out, I was wrong. It's not ending - not anytime soon. It will just go on and no matter how much sense anyone tries to put in my head like break all contact, don't see him etc. I know when he'll text me, I'll text back and when he'll want to see me, I'll go. I know. Pathetic right? And even that won't make me happy. Let me just end this post abruptly than go on about yet another girl-loves-boy-boy-doesn't-care story. Peace.