Sometimes

you believe in something even though everyone around you can see that it's futile. Sometimes you have faith because the world survives on hope right? Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you don't know and sometimes you do but you live in denial. They say, never regret anything that made you smile or cry over something that's over - just smile that it happened. I've repeated that over and over to myself like a chant and still can't see sense in it. For a while I become the serene version of myself, smiling like a lunatic about everything and being grateful for life and the sun and stars but when the lights go off, and I feel that my double self can't see me - I break down. It's always a boy that brings girls such miseries. I've seen people upset about losing jobs, being broke, unwell etc. but never in a pathetic state like when they've lost a loved one, and mostly a guy/girl they loved.

I've known him for over a year and we only met once in a while but every time there was something between us which clearly indicated that we weren't just friends. Finally, I decided to point to the elephant in the room and ask the question - where are we headed. And he tells me he needs time. Months go by, I ask him again. He said he's leaving the country in 6 months and there's no future to this, so he isn't sure what we should do. I'm heartbroken and I come home and cry. I thought that a few days of crying and mourning is all it will take and I will be fine before I know it. Turns out, I was wrong. It's not ending - not anytime soon. It will just go on and no matter how much sense anyone tries to put in my head like break all contact, don't see him etc. I know when he'll text me, I'll text back and when he'll want to see me, I'll go. I know. Pathetic right? And even that won't make me happy. Let me just end this post abruptly than go on about yet another girl-loves-boy-boy-doesn't-care story. Peace.

RIP Jessica Redfield

The much awaited movie of 2012 "The Dark Knight Rises" will actually be remembered bitterly due to the shoot out at Denver that coincided with it. One of the journalists in the sports world whose blog I read once, was shot dead in this evil event. Jessica Redfield. Only a day before she had tweeted : My bro is 6'2 166 pounds. He has hyperthryoidism. He can't gain weight. I just watched him eat 8 tacos. Why didn't I get this "problem"? If only she knew she's have a bigger problem in the next 24 hours. Jessica had escaped a similar shoot out on June 5th, 2012 just by 3 minutes but looks like it was destined to be like this. One of the moments that bring about that sinking feeling which is trying to tell you that be grateful for every breath you take, every smile on your lips and every hug from family and friends because you don't know if you'll be home safe to catch that comedy show with your daughter after work. You just don't know.

Meh

I've read that we live in a benevolent universe and this is a world that has enough for everyone's need but not for everyone's greed. Shakespeare taught us that nothing is good or bad, our thinking makes it so. Marcus Tullius said that there is no duty more urgent than the repayment of kindness. And there are many more of these quotes that I've read and they leave an impression and understanding that positivity attracts positivity and that you become what you think - essentially your thoughts become things. So if you fear something and it dominates your thoughts, rest assured it will come true. Whatever you resists persists. Have you noticed when you need something "really bad" or desperately, you never get it and just when you've given up on it and stop giving it attention it falls right in your hands. Yes, THAT is what I'm talking about.

So with all this wealth of knowledge in my early twenties, I decided that I will change my life. But it turns out, its easier said than done. I know I'm thinking negatively of a certain life situation, then i remind myself to be positive about it but when i close my eyes I see that I am in fear and resistance of that fear and then i distract myself. I know this is why things aren't going right and no amount of retail therapy will take my mind off this situation. So, I'm planning to do what I do best and effectively - give up! :) Haha, I mean I'm exhausted of trying to get my mind to stop thinking of something or someone. I really am. I love being positive and I know at the end everything becomes all right - but this journey to the "everything becomes alright" is so painful. See, painful - im using negative words already. Phew, I really need a drink. I am exhausted. God bless me.

Back from Hiatus

It's so good to be back after almost 6 months and turns out the Hiatus was a bad idea. Like many other people, I thought that giving myself sometime to sort my life out by leaving every old thing behind will help me move on. I was wrong. It didn't. Infact, since I stopped writing my heart out, I became all the more confused and depressed. This was the first and last hiatus. I'm back for good and will probably be typing as much as I can.

Digging it !

Who doesn't love this song? :) There is so much beauty in words sometimes that you close your eyes and feel everything is falling in place. God knows what I'd do without music.

The Sound of Silence

Sometimes, we do everything to keep ourselves busy and occupied and yet when there's an empty hour or two when there isn't anything to do, we aren't able to enjoy it. Instead it makes us cringe. It's the sound of silence, that brings thoughts back, the thoughts that we are trying to hopelessly run away from by trying to keep ourselves occupied. It is such a pity that a few minutes or solace that should bring joy to the human heart and mind actually turn into devils waiting to attack your soul and watch it bleed thereafter.

Why is it that in life, there is always a time when we know exactly what we want and a few years later, the same person has no idea about what he/she wants as if all this time they were living someone else's life. What do you when you don't know where you're headed? What do you do when you don't have plans? What do you when time passes you by not in minutes but in years and months and you're left waiting for a sign or direction from somewhere, a light from some tunnel that can guide you to who you used to be.

Why is it that you sometimes cannot find the missing piece in your life no matter how hard you try and then the puzzle plays in your head over and over again, from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep. If you're lucky, you do get some sleep. What's the point of it all? This life, the things we want, the happiness we are looking for. Why is it that even when you decide that you will be the only one responsible for your happiness, it won't work that way because in the end, you lay your happiness in other people's hands. Why do friends become strangers and strangers seem friends? Why do people who we love the most always have other people to love? Why are some people born weak and others stronger?

Why does the sound of silence haunt some and brings a smile to the others?

New Year or Not?

So far, I've met 5 people screaming "NEw Year, NEw Me" leaves me wondering "Oh really? I've been hearing that for past three years in a row." Okay, let not the pessimistic in me, take over your sensibilities. Happy NEw year ya'll. For those who are looking for money and jobs, may you find them, those looking for love, wish you a romantic year ahead and those of you are grumpy for no reason, smile please :D For me, say a prayer that I am able to get the thoughts of a certain someone off my head as I've been trying hard to do that.

The long hiatus was due to work and travel both, and yours truly is now back in action only to find I have some new followers on this blog. Welcome my lovelies! I really hope you get something interesting to read here. If you think not, don't fret. Just leave a topic in the comments section and I'd be glad to write an essay on that. I have a gift of making the most hurtful things funny. I recently wrote a funny post on heartbreak but my ipod got formatted and I lost it all.

I'll be back. Wish you all a superb 2012. Hope all your dreams and wishes come true.

The Stranger in Town

It had been long since I hung out with a girlfriend for drinks so we decided to hit one of the clubs - well middle of the week. I do take things to extreme sometimes. Pub hopping we realised that one of our favorites will only open doors at 11 in the night which meant hanging outside until then. Meanwhile as is customary, two idiots approached us and started to introduce themselves. For once I was delighted to receive my mom's call at exactly the same moment when I was looking to excuse myself. I walked away and spoke to mom while my friend received an invite from the boys to join them on their table later.

So typical. It's all okay when you hit the pub thinking okay I wanna get hit on today but not when you're having a nice girls chatty night out and are having fun. The boys come and ruin it. They came and joined us on our table, bought us drinks and oh well, there came the sad jokes. And then I noticed, there he was. A guy in a blue shirt and cuff-links. Yes, cuff-links. In this mentally challenged group of liverpool fans was this shy guy sipping his drink who was well, not as desperate as the rest of them to talk to us. Within 15 mins, I knew he was European, visiting here for work and worked 17 hours a day. Funnily enough, he did not know the guys he's hanging out with for any longer than he knew me. We didn't join everyone else to dance, and spoke at length about random things under the sun at the bar outside. On second thoughts, the ambience wasn't that bad. Or maybe it was the company. 5 drinks later, I told him I thought guys with cuff-links are snobbish and 3 more drinks later he was teaching me how to tie a tie. I do remember my friend coming over and telling me how we both looked 16 and got a picture of us. But for the sake of his anonymity ;) I'll spare the pictures here. He looked like a dream and kissed like a gentleman. But it's me saying that and not his girlfriend whose calls he ignored later when she called him. Sigh. 

The work week got over and so did his trip and he flew back. I may not see this guy again in my life or maybe I would. Who knows. But it was an eventful week nonetheless.

Home Alone and Annoyed

Flatmate decides to go camping and I think it's a good time to catch up on some reading, movies, and spend quality time with myself. Only to realize that it would mean spending low quality time with flatmate's annoying friend. Not only did her unscheduled appearance surprised and annoyed me, it also helped me understand the importance of keeping the front door locked at all times so that uninvited guests don't just strut into my house.

"Hey petal, surprise, surprise !!..how been you. Pour me some wine and what's on starworld?"
"I'm sorry, is there a sign on my door saying, 'This way to the wine bar'? And there's master chef on starworld so don't put it on."
"Umm...grumpy as always you. Come sit here, what's bothering you? Is it that guy from work, or the other one not from work? Or is it that you've just gained a little weight recently?"
"What -- gained weight, NO I haven't gained any weight. You're beyond retarded and the last person I'd talk to about what's up with me. Just watch Starworld please"
"Well, calm down miss home alone. I had no idea C wasn't in town or I wouldn't have popped in"
"Yea, well you could use that fancy phone you carry around to call and check with her before you decided to show up and demand wine"
"Ooooo..someone's so unhappy to see me. I'm sorry, I'm maybe interrupting something or someone important that you may have to attend to so I'd take your leave now though take it easy chica"
"Bleh, bye"

Jesus, she just ruined my anyway not so perfect day. I think I'll just order some pizza now and watch the Telly.

What a Guy MUST Know : Part 1

Right, so WHAT on earth is the deal with boys these days? I understand we talk about women being equal to men, rather even better than those weird creatures but chivalry is still a "ball" that lies in the man's court. And I'd give an arm and a leg to drill this down their heads. There is no bigger put-off than a guy who'd tactfully ask you to dinner and then wait for you to pay. Seriously? Yes. He won't cough it up. Why does it piss me off you ask (yes you the guy reading this post)? So listen cowboy, if you've asked me out for dinner, you should treat. Or at least let me offer to chip in. Don't speak for me. Or my wallet. Don't pull out your credit card when the check comes, flash a cheesy smile and say you got this, but you'll let me pay for drinks at the next bar. You'll let me? Thanks for the permission officer. Who said I even want to go to another bar with you? Are you using this meal as collateral for a second part to our date? Are you lacking so much confidence that you think you need to guilt me into another act? If you can't afford to take a girl to dinner, be creative and do something cheaper. And if you just can't find a smoother segue into the second act of the night, then take a bow and head home. My bank account will applaud you.

That's chapter one for you. Go practice it.

Ladies, I'm sure you'll all agree :) Have a good week ahead !

Overrated Saturdays

Don't you think Saturdays are really overrated? I mean, there have been a few hundred songs written about saturday night already, maybe which is why Rebecca Black chose her song to be based on friday to break the monotony! Jesus, this song is really annoying though. Well, back to Saturdays, so what's the big deal about them? Everyone is so psyched and hyper making saturday night plans, not realising that there are four of those every month and well, do the math about the yearly numbers. So the logic behind getting sloshed at a bar every single friday and being psyched about it is beyond me.

I completely understand those of you who belong to the school of thought, work hard and party harder but then I just feel that making each saturday night all about making sure that you have a hungover Sunday is not really how life's supposed to be. Clearly, to each one his own. Personally, for me I'd rather spend Saturday evenings having dinner with friends, watch a movie, take a walk on the beach or write a blogpost like I'm currently doing! Haha...

Anyway, hope you all are having a lovely weekend with friends and family! Here's the music for the day :

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish

I'm sure everyone's heard that Steve Jobs passed away. Though I nevr had anything to do with him personally, I always followed his updates and his thinking helped me make some really big decisions in life. I'm not sure how many of you have read or watched the commencement speech he gave at Stanford Graduation in 2005, but here it is for those who've not read/watched it yet. You have missed out on something very important.

Steve Job's Speech at Stanford : Three Stories

Youtube Video : Stay Hungry. Stay foolish

RIP Steve jobs. You will be dearly missed. The world is suddenly poorer without you!

Sometimes...

Sometimes, it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead...

Nevermind.

Reacher or the Settler?

They say...oh well, in a particular american sitcom that every relationship has a reacher and a settler. One person is the reacher who reaches out to someone better than himself in the relationship while the other one is the settler who settles for someone lesser (?) than him. I've heard couples around me argue about this, both calling themselves settlers, obviously.

Do you think there is any such thing that exists. Aren't relationships supposed to be complimentary and are we all not supposed to have our bag full of faults and drawbacks and if yes, then it makes all of us a reacher as we all reach out to people who can compliment our drawbacks with their awesomeness.That's what brings awesome to the entire relationship, isn't it? Then why is it that I hear people say way too many times "Oh, I could have done better."? Is it just them and their sick need to not appreciate anything that they have? OR is there actually a reacher-settler balance that exists for real.

Just wondering. This post was inspired by the coffee that spilt on my dress today, well, because it was directed by this girlfriend yelling at her boyfriend and I seemed to have just come in the way at the right time to have it spilled on me. Drama I tell you ! And this is what she was saying. She was the settler, she said.

Music Saturdays if you may

The song plays in female voice as a background score in the movie "Life as we know it" . By the way, the movie is nothing what the title says. Two people die and leave their child on the shoulders on two adults who could kill each other at the drop of a hat. And these two people then try to raise the kid. The movie has too much poop which is not funny and someone tell me is that how life is as you know it ! Na-da ! Bleh. But you gotta love the soundtracks. Tell me did you like this one :) ?

Make a wish

Has it ever happened with you that you imagine something in your head mindlessly and it came true and you go like "fuck, I just imagined that" and then feel like killing yourself because only if you knew it would come true, you'd have imagined something you really wanted. Bleh. Such a mean thing, this life. 

You know What I mean

I, I can’t take things slowly
Come let away that’s what they all do
Help me ‘cause I’m feeling shaky
Tell me what’s wrong with my brain
'Cause I've seem to have lost it

'Cause I am afraid of the light
Yeah you know what I mean
And I can't sleep alone at night
yeah you know what I mean

Lonely, that’s not quite my problem
I have all that I need, haven't quite lost it
I try so hard to be happy
'Cause something goes wrong once again

Please, please come and save me
Tell me what’s wrong with my brain
'Cause I've seem to have lost it


'Cause I am afraid of the light
Yeah you know what I mean
And I can't sleep alone at night
yeah you know what I mean

From Me With Love, Oh well !

Dear Prick,

State the obvious: I thought you were a friend when you clearly abuse that word. I finally see it all now (never too late) that you're so wrong and a bad idea. Don't you think some people are too genuine and sweet to be messed with for fun?  Look, some people love being around me, some probably not so much. People in the latter category aren’t of much interest to me.  And I’d rather not get cancelled on twice and get into small talk later like right now.  Seriously, no one rocks the two words “clever and pretentious” better than you darling. Anyone could have figured you out, air borne bacteria could have figured it out, I couldn’t !

You're an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry, but then I should have known. Maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame or maybe it's you and your sick need to play your dark twisted games. Soon you're gonna find this won't make you many friends. I'm sure they didn’t teach you that in prep school so it's up to me.  Friends are not your chess game where you change the rules every day. I don't need new versions of you each day on the phone.  And feel free to add my name to your long list of spoil sports who don't understand. I should have just run as fast as I could before I even thought we could be friends: for what the word means. You've let me down and you're not sorry, I know. Glad I figured you out before you became important in my life. You don't have to text me anymore. I won't answer it. Tired of you being a super prick. But that’s okay, you took a swing, I took it hard and down here from the ground I see who you are.

So here's to everything, coming down to nothing just like the way you'd want it. Let’s hear some applause to the shortest friendship ever.

Cheers.

Do you re-read text messages too?

So you're into this guy and he texts you all the time or well, initially all the time and then after he's slept with you, then barely any. I'm talking about you analyzing the texts he sends you. I’m not even going to explain it because, to my fellow text analyzers out there, you know who you are and what I’m talking about.  So far I’ve wasted two years, three months, four weeks and one day on it. And they say fags are addictive. I’m yet to kick either but my money’s on the fags going first.

Just saying…

Sob Story number 1

You make a million decisions and nothing changes but one day out of boredom you attend a party and end up meeting someone who can turn your life upside down atleast for a few days and NOT for good. Hello, meet me the self proclaimed victim. It was the usual, got introduced to a guy and we chatted for a bit. Exchanged numbers and the texting we phenomenal for someone like me who hates using the phone except to make a call. We hit it off so well, I thought. He agreed. He was open to asking me for dinner very casually-friend like manner, I agreed. We hung out in the evening eating and having fun -- 4 days in a row and all 4 days ending up at his apartment to chill at night. That's how much a guy can wait before he gets laid. So it started, with a general holding of hands and he just pulled me closer. He could have just kissed me that time, but that's not how players operate. He made sure he used those words "I really want to kiss you right now, but I dont wanna lose you as a friend, i value our friendship too much" ... We still made out.

2 Days later.

At his place. We had decided that we will forget what happened and remain friends. But he starts to hug and I ask, "we should date, shouldnt we?"
"Umm...well, I've just known you for a really short time (but long enough to try and get into my pants, thank god i did not have sex that night) and I'm not really looking for a girlfriend..."
"What do you mean, the other night you said you want to spend new years with me etc..."
"Yea I do, but I just want to be your friend, nothing more. I am sorry. I do think you are very attractive and I could fool around with you and then we can stop talking, but I don't want that"
"So??"
"So...we just stay friends..."
"Friends with benefits?"
"Well, no , not if you don't want to..."
"What the fuck"
"If you don't even wanna stay friends, I'm okay with it"
"I know you are"
"I mean I will be eventually"

And the words from 2 days back came to my head. "I really want to kiss you right now, but I dont wanna lose you as a friend, I value our friendship too much"

They don't need girls as friends, they need fuck-buddies. They have boys to be friends with. And so very convenient. We connect. We get on. You're amazing only until I get to sleep with you or know that I won't get that until I commit to you.

That happened and next thing I know is I'm Bridget Jones version of myself, crying my eyes out and lost day and night. I had the option to not text back when he checked on me, but I did. I had the option to chuck him out of my life but I'm too proud to make him feel "Oh she is in love with me, she can't stand being around me as a friend so she left" So I keep in touch. Ofcourse, I'm not going to be asked to Dinners and movies now and that would suck. But what sucks more and hurts like a cactus is that I got fooled into the whole thing and I'm not even 19 to justify that with...What am I feeling bad about? I lost a friend? I lost someone who I thought I could have something with and have someone to cuddle and kiss and talk to? I came off looking as needy? He knows how I feel and will never value me again? I don't know...I wish I went back home that night.

Now someone help me out, I'm sure you guys have been through heartbreaks and shit and you're so awesome that you'll be able to grill some sense to my head. I need help and I can't pretend to be strong anymore and fake smile all day and never breakdown. Thoughts on dealing with this? (Please don't say hang out with friends) :)