Sometimes

you believe in something even though everyone around you can see that it's futile. Sometimes you have faith because the world survives on hope right? Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you don't know and sometimes you do but you live in denial. They say, never regret anything that made you smile or cry over something that's over - just smile that it happened. I've repeated that over and over to myself like a chant and still can't see sense in it. For a while I become the serene version of myself, smiling like a lunatic about everything and being grateful for life and the sun and stars but when the lights go off, and I feel that my double self can't see me - I break down. It's always a boy that brings girls such miseries. I've seen people upset about losing jobs, being broke, unwell etc. but never in a pathetic state like when they've lost a loved one, and mostly a guy/girl they loved.

I've known him for over a year and we only met once in a while but every time there was something between us which clearly indicated that we weren't just friends. Finally, I decided to point to the elephant in the room and ask the question - where are we headed. And he tells me he needs time. Months go by, I ask him again. He said he's leaving the country in 6 months and there's no future to this, so he isn't sure what we should do. I'm heartbroken and I come home and cry. I thought that a few days of crying and mourning is all it will take and I will be fine before I know it. Turns out, I was wrong. It's not ending - not anytime soon. It will just go on and no matter how much sense anyone tries to put in my head like break all contact, don't see him etc. I know when he'll text me, I'll text back and when he'll want to see me, I'll go. I know. Pathetic right? And even that won't make me happy. Let me just end this post abruptly than go on about yet another girl-loves-boy-boy-doesn't-care story. Peace.

RIP Jessica Redfield

The much awaited movie of 2012 "The Dark Knight Rises" will actually be remembered bitterly due to the shoot out at Denver that coincided with it. One of the journalists in the sports world whose blog I read once, was shot dead in this evil event. Jessica Redfield. Only a day before she had tweeted : My bro is 6'2 166 pounds. He has hyperthryoidism. He can't gain weight. I just watched him eat 8 tacos. Why didn't I get this "problem"? If only she knew she's have a bigger problem in the next 24 hours. Jessica had escaped a similar shoot out on June 5th, 2012 just by 3 minutes but looks like it was destined to be like this. One of the moments that bring about that sinking feeling which is trying to tell you that be grateful for every breath you take, every smile on your lips and every hug from family and friends because you don't know if you'll be home safe to catch that comedy show with your daughter after work. You just don't know.

Meh

I've read that we live in a benevolent universe and this is a world that has enough for everyone's need but not for everyone's greed. Shakespeare taught us that nothing is good or bad, our thinking makes it so. Marcus Tullius said that there is no duty more urgent than the repayment of kindness. And there are many more of these quotes that I've read and they leave an impression and understanding that positivity attracts positivity and that you become what you think - essentially your thoughts become things. So if you fear something and it dominates your thoughts, rest assured it will come true. Whatever you resists persists. Have you noticed when you need something "really bad" or desperately, you never get it and just when you've given up on it and stop giving it attention it falls right in your hands. Yes, THAT is what I'm talking about.

So with all this wealth of knowledge in my early twenties, I decided that I will change my life. But it turns out, its easier said than done. I know I'm thinking negatively of a certain life situation, then i remind myself to be positive about it but when i close my eyes I see that I am in fear and resistance of that fear and then i distract myself. I know this is why things aren't going right and no amount of retail therapy will take my mind off this situation. So, I'm planning to do what I do best and effectively - give up! :) Haha, I mean I'm exhausted of trying to get my mind to stop thinking of something or someone. I really am. I love being positive and I know at the end everything becomes all right - but this journey to the "everything becomes alright" is so painful. See, painful - im using negative words already. Phew, I really need a drink. I am exhausted. God bless me.

Back from Hiatus

It's so good to be back after almost 6 months and turns out the Hiatus was a bad idea. Like many other people, I thought that giving myself sometime to sort my life out by leaving every old thing behind will help me move on. I was wrong. It didn't. Infact, since I stopped writing my heart out, I became all the more confused and depressed. This was the first and last hiatus. I'm back for good and will probably be typing as much as I can.

Digging it !

Who doesn't love this song? :) There is so much beauty in words sometimes that you close your eyes and feel everything is falling in place. God knows what I'd do without music.

The Sound of Silence

Sometimes, we do everything to keep ourselves busy and occupied and yet when there's an empty hour or two when there isn't anything to do, we aren't able to enjoy it. Instead it makes us cringe. It's the sound of silence, that brings thoughts back, the thoughts that we are trying to hopelessly run away from by trying to keep ourselves occupied. It is such a pity that a few minutes or solace that should bring joy to the human heart and mind actually turn into devils waiting to attack your soul and watch it bleed thereafter.

Why is it that in life, there is always a time when we know exactly what we want and a few years later, the same person has no idea about what he/she wants as if all this time they were living someone else's life. What do you when you don't know where you're headed? What do you do when you don't have plans? What do you when time passes you by not in minutes but in years and months and you're left waiting for a sign or direction from somewhere, a light from some tunnel that can guide you to who you used to be.

Why is it that you sometimes cannot find the missing piece in your life no matter how hard you try and then the puzzle plays in your head over and over again, from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep. If you're lucky, you do get some sleep. What's the point of it all? This life, the things we want, the happiness we are looking for. Why is it that even when you decide that you will be the only one responsible for your happiness, it won't work that way because in the end, you lay your happiness in other people's hands. Why do friends become strangers and strangers seem friends? Why do people who we love the most always have other people to love? Why are some people born weak and others stronger?

Why does the sound of silence haunt some and brings a smile to the others?

New Year or Not?

So far, I've met 5 people screaming "NEw Year, NEw Me" leaves me wondering "Oh really? I've been hearing that for past three years in a row." Okay, let not the pessimistic in me, take over your sensibilities. Happy NEw year ya'll. For those who are looking for money and jobs, may you find them, those looking for love, wish you a romantic year ahead and those of you are grumpy for no reason, smile please :D For me, say a prayer that I am able to get the thoughts of a certain someone off my head as I've been trying hard to do that.

The long hiatus was due to work and travel both, and yours truly is now back in action only to find I have some new followers on this blog. Welcome my lovelies! I really hope you get something interesting to read here. If you think not, don't fret. Just leave a topic in the comments section and I'd be glad to write an essay on that. I have a gift of making the most hurtful things funny. I recently wrote a funny post on heartbreak but my ipod got formatted and I lost it all.

I'll be back. Wish you all a superb 2012. Hope all your dreams and wishes come true.